Possible choices
1. Stay with awareness that its toxic
2. Leave
3. Work on your relationship
How to decide what to do?
Connect to Wise Mind
Wise mind is where you consider both the logical thought processes and your feelings. It can also be referred to as the middle path. It’s making a decision based on both your head and your heart. I like to describe it as our intuition. That voice in the back of our heads, or that gut feeling.
You can connect to your wise mind by asking it a question, using meditation, making a list of what emotion and reason mind are telling you. It may take some time to understand what your wise mind is telling you. Don’t forget to take some breaks, engage in self-care, and practice self-compassion.
Connect to Your Values
Values are how you determine what’s important to you. They are not goals or outcomes such as having a goal of feeling more joy but rather the meaning behind these actions. When making a decision that aligns with our values you can feel satisfied because the decision reflects on who you are and what’s important to you.
Make a list of your core values and priorities that are most important. Ask yourself what decision fits with my values? Does this decision reflect who I want to be? What messages do I want to teach my children?
What if you Want to Stay?
Many people stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons. The one that I see most often is staying for kids and the barriers (often financial) in leaving.
It’s a big choice to make. One that you may debate while you're still in the relationship. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.
If you have decided to stay. I encourage you to reach out to as many supports as you can such as friends, family, doctor, and therapist. So that you have support and resources during this challenging time.
Can you Actually Fix the Relationship?
The short answer is no, you cannot fix a toxic relationship if you are not the cause of the toxicity. We can only work on ourselves. If you are part of the toxic relationship, then you can work on yourself and see if your partner is willing to do work on their own. You cannot make someone make changes unless they are ready to take their own steps.
What About Asking Your Partner to go to Therapy?
Sometimes it can be helpful and sometimes it isn’t. There is no guarantee. What I notice is that those who are coming to therapy for their partners often don’t make changes unless there's a small part of them that is ready. The question to ask yourself is are you willing to wait while they make changes? And if you are, what boundaries and self-care will you put in to place while you wait?
If you have decided to wait while your partner gets therapy, I encourage you to reach out to as many supports as you can friends, family, doctor, and therapist. So that you have supports and resources during this overwhelming time.
If you’re looking for more support contact me.
DISCLAIMER The content in this blog and all future blog posts is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement or substitute for mental health or medical care.